Tuesday, October 5
they told us about moderation today. i've accepted the fact that nobody believes in me. thanks a lot, teachers. i'm fine with it, really. no sarcasm dripping from my unheard voice. you don't think i'm hardworking, okay, maybe it's true. you don't think i've got the potential, okay, maybe it's true. but guess what. i don't care what others think. i'm just going to put this behind me and do my best. i know you didn't say so explicitly, but really, i can read between the lines all right?even though it hurts. am i really that stupid, that you don't want to give me the chance? okay, fine, it doesn't really matter. i'll join the legions of girls applying for sa. actually it hurts. when i joke about not wanting to wake up early, i'm being frivalous. it hurts. it's like reliving sec2 again. i think you realise it, don't you. i can't stop myself from blurting out everything. i'm sorry. i don't know why i said the things i did. i just blurted out what i felt. and mostly it isn't anything good. i'm sorry, i'll keep quiet next time. i was just so arghh frustrated? to have come so close and yet not touch the goal. damn. i'm learning that the stars aren't very nice to fall on when your friends are prancing about on the moon. how come it's always me, falling among the stars? how come you never fall? or is it that i never notice when you fall. why am i even lashing out at you? it's not your fault my brain didn't make it through the wash. i only feel alive when i dream at night. because in my dreams everything's all right. everyone's happy, i don't make mistakes, and sunlight is beautiful not annoying. tell me what's the purpose behind this. we're like that fish in today's story. it's okay that you didn't see the story in the same way. i'm fine with it. in fact, it helped me realise something important. i can survive alone. i used to think i'd die without my friends. but actually, maybe not. none of you ever truly see things the same way as i do. i've never met anyone who truly understands how i feel about things. you should have seen your own face when i asked if you agreed that the fish represented alex. the shock was laughable. that was when i realised that we are so different. too different? i don't know, maybe it doesn't matter. but now i know what it is i've been missing. someone to understand. completely, without explanation. and i don't know anyone like that. maybe i never will. not like it matters. people are only human. there will always be hurt. i think i'm learning to be immune to it. good, now you can say i'm coldblooded for real. because coldblooded creatures don't need to fly, and i never will.
it must've been love.
8:15 pm
xoxo
